Bill Belichick’s Thanksgiving press conference: a satire

By Sterling Pingree

What would a Bill Belichick press conference look like, if the media asked the Pats coach only questions about Thanksgiving? Perhaps it would go something like this.

Reporter: Coach, this meal is on a short week, how do you prepare differently for a Thanksgiving meal on a Thursday than other meals?

Coach Belichick: We approach it the same way we do all of our other meals……….. Take it one bite at a time…. Chew properly….. Conditioning……. They’re all big meals at this time of the year and we have to be ready to eat them…… Package leftovers……. Reheat those leftovers…… Make sandwiches…… All that goes into making sandwiches and eating big meals this time of the year.

Reporter: Coach, you mentioned leftovers, how does your team try to limit leftovers?

Coach Belichick: Leftovers are a part of the meal……. But, obviously we work hard on turkey protection. Getting the food in the right formation, with the right personnel to make the most of what we have. You’ve got to take care of the food…… Zip locks……. Glad ware…… Tupperware……. Aluminum foil is important, whatever the meal dictates is what we’re……going to do.

Reporter: According to the super market data, your turkey is weighing in at 18 lbs, last year’s bird was 16 lbs, was this a conscious effort when you went shopping, to get a bigger bird?

Coach Belichick: There are a lot of factors that have to be considered. It’s a key part of the meal, it needs to be sound in all three phrases…… Light meat…… Dark meat……Stuffing teams. Weight is tough to measure, a lot of factors have to be considered. Thawing……. Stuffing….. Giblets…… Basting. Just a lot of factors, besides what the labels says at the grocery store. That’s not always the best measure of what a turkey can bring to the table and contribute to a meal…. Weight doesn’t dictate tenderness……. Weight alone isn’t really a good indicator of how that weight is distributed….. Big breasts…… Meaty legs……. What are the proportions? Where is that weight distributed on a turkey besides just what the label says or what is reported at a super market.

Reporter: Any consideration to switching to a cranberry sauce that doesn’t take the shape of the can?

Coach Belichick: Sauce.

Same Reporter: No thoughts on perhaps a cranberry jelly or other type of cranberry relish?

Coach Belichick: Sauce.

Same Reporter again: Would you consider multiple cranberry dishes?

Coach Belichick: Sauce.

Reporter: The trend around the country has been making your own center pieces, is that something you’re thinking about adding to your table heading into this holiday?

Coach Belichick: We’re onto pies.

Same Reporter: Are you going to have a center piece?

Coach Belichick: We’re onto pies.

Exhausted Reporter: Not even some pine cones on the table or perhaps something a child made at school?

Coach Belichick: We’re onto pies.

Reporter: Coach, you mentioned pies, what pies have performed the best over the years of eating this meal?

Coach Belichick: Apple. Pumpkin has performed well. Gotten a lot of hard work out of chocolate cream pie………… The key to a holiday like this is having small slices of multiple pies………. Whether that be cream pies………fruit pies……..however you want to categorize a pie like pumpkin, I don’t know how you want to do that. It’s not really a cream pie, but pumpkin isn’t a fruit either. So it’s a lot of situational eating there. Whipped cream can add a lot, whether it be from a can or a Cool Whip type situation that you find yourself in. I remember in 1987, with the Giants, Mark Bavaro had an apple pie that his grandmother on his father’s side had made and it was an apple pie, but the crust featured a crumble topping like what you would find on a Dutch apple pie and a lattice type crust, which at the time was only used for cherry pie, but this pie that Bavaro’s grandmother made, really broke all of the rules. It was incredible. In the 50’s, Paul Brown was the first to put ice cream on a pie, really innovative stuff, things that hosts have a hard time doing now. Just keeping the ice cream frozen and prepared for the dessert portion of the day without it going soft during the meal itself. He also had a variety of different types of vanilla. Paul Brown invented vanilla bean, I don’t think a lot of people know that.

Reporter: I want to touch back on the cranberry discussion, have you tried other cranberry dishes and just didn’t like them, or is this more of a tradition thing?

Coach Belichick: Sauce.

Reporter: Will you watch any footage of past Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parades in preparation of this year’s?

Coach Belichick: We’ve been watching tape since last year’s parade. Those balloons do a lot of things really well…… Snoopy is so talented….. Sort of glides across the sky, a lot of grace……Athleticism……. Makes great choices……..One of the best balloons we’ll see this year, or any year really with all that it has accomplished on this holiday. Certainly there are other balloons too, Spiderman is another one that year in and year out you have to watch out for because if you don’t work in that area then, look out, here’s Spiderman. Sponge Bob has become a top balloon type performer, we’re going to have to pay a lot of attention to what he’s doing out there. Bob’s been that type of balloon since we scouted him at some small Pineapple under the sea. A lot of talent in that parade without even taking into account The Rockettes, they’re so sound in the kicking game. Just a lot to prepare for.

Reporter: Coach, would you be opposed if somebody brought cranberry juice to Thanksgiving?

Coach Belichick: Sauce.

We’re onto pies……..Happy Thanksgiving.

Sterling Pingree (@SterlingPingree on Twitter) is a co-host of The Drive, weekdays 4pm to 6pm on 92.9fm The Ticket and streaming live at Follow us on Twiter, @DriveShowMaine and “Like Us” on Facebook, Drive Show Maine.