By Mark Paulette
You’re telling me there are 52 weeks in the year and yet only one is themed? Is anyone else seeing the wasted opportunities here? In honor of the late, great, shark week, and to give us impatient viewers something more to gorge on, I present to you five more weeks which we should work into the calendar. Shout out to: Discovery, NESN and NFL Network. I hope you’re taking notes.
- Whale week – Not exactly a stretch from shark week, but it’s about time these glorious titans of the sea get their own week too. Not only are whales fascinating, they’re much cooler than sharks. Think a great white is fierce? You know what eats great whites? Killer whales. You know what the smartest animal in the water is? Sperm whale (which has the largest brain on the planet). While we’re on the subject, want to know the secrets of the ocean? Does a kraken really exist? The sperm whale holds the key in the form of giant scars on its body from past battles in the depths with giant squids. What’s most impressive? Whales have conquered the seas and they’re not even fish, they’re mammals and they breath air. That’s like if sharks learned to survive on land and were eating lions in the Sahara. Step aside sharks, you can’t even defend your own turf. We owe it to our blubbery cousins of the ocean to give them their own week. (And I didn’t even mention the Blue Whale! The largest creature on the planet with the potential to exceed 100 feet in length!).
- Brady week – This one shouldn’t even be a question. This Friday, the immortal GOAT celebrates his 40th birthday, the 18th he’s spent in a New England Patriots uniform. Boston is already throwing a birthday party for Brady, as several thousand are expected to gather at Faneuil Hall to honor the man revered like no other in this region. We’ve already basically deified Brady in New England, so why not take it a step further? Let’s have parades in his honor. Name every child born during the week Thomas Edward or Patricia Thomas. Let highlights of his career play from every screen in every corner of New England. Hang giant banners of his face from the tallest buildings in Boston like we’re welcoming Alexander the Great home from a victorious conquest. I hereby decree the week of July 31-August 4, Brady week.
- NFL kick off week – Forget opening day in the NFL, how about opening week? Off the top, it may seem like a scheduling nightmare, but don’t worry, I’ve figured it all out. So rather than an entire week, it’s more of an extended four-day weekend. You begin games on Thursday, as you do now, but instead of having just one featured game, you play four games each day Thursday-through-Sunday, with games at 3pm, 5pm, 7pm and 9pm. You begin play Thursday afternoon at 3pm, and put some crappy matchup in that window like the Bills vs. the Jets. This is much like what Major League Baseball does to open their season. They’ll play six games on ESPN beginning at noon, and the first game is always one no one cares about like the Mets and the Phillies. Then, as you progress through the time slots, the matchups get better, culminating with the ‘primetime’ slot at 9pm. This format models an NFL version of March Madness and would provide constant action and intrigue spread over four days rather than just one.
- Space week – Is there anything more confusing and fascinating than the great vastness which we find ourselves in? Give me a week of exploration and explanation. What’s out there? Where does it end? Are we alone? You can’t cover the limitless abyss, but a week’s focus would be ‘prettaay, prettaay, prettaay’ interesting to see just what is outside this blue bubble we inhabit.
- Nessie week – A week-long search for the Loch Ness Monster. I maintain hope that he is down there somewhere in the murky depths of Loch Ness. Give me a week of submarines searching the water. Tell all the stories of sightings. If you don’t find anything by the seventh day, get a big tank and drain the lake as the grand finale. We will once and for all know if Nessie is real.
Mark Paulette is the senior producer of The Drive, weekdays 4pm to 6pm on 92.9fm The Ticket and streaming live at DriveShowMaine.com. Follow us on Twitter, @DriveShowMaine and “Like Us” on Facebook, Drive Show Maine.