Celtics vs Wizards Game 5: from the brilliant mind of Mark

By Mark Paulette

The Boston Celtics 2017 season is at a crossroads. Rather than mindlessly breaking down analytics like I know what I’m talking about, allow me to crack open a cold one…invariably of the fruity variety…and share with you my most random thoughts on all things “Team Green”.

Pregame observations: Why is there a member of Kyrie Irving’s ‘Uncle Drew’ league on the court? Oh, wait, that’s Amir Johnson. Am I alone in thinking it’s time to give the 12-year vet the Derby Horse treatment and send him to the great court in the sky? Maybe a bit far…but watching him struggle to keep pace with Jae Crowder’s Elaine Benes dance during team introductions is just sad. Time to start a Go-Fund Me account to send Ole’ Amir to the Greg Oden/Yao Ming ranch where he can graze free-range for the remainder of his basketball life.

Q1, 7:25, BOS – 13, WAS – 4: Wooo! Take that, Wiz’es! 13-0 run. Anything you can do; we can do 50-percent of!

Q1, 4:47, BOS – 20, WAS – 8: DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME, OR DID AMIR JOHNSON JUST THROW DOWN AN ALLEY-OOP?! I’m deeply sorry, Amir. I take back my prior spiel. In other news, a small star just imploded as the universe attempts to balance itself.

Top 1st, BOS – 0, MIL – 0: I wonder who has bigger biceps? Mike DeVito or Eric Tham…crap, wrong game.

End of One, BOS – 33, WAS – 21: The Garden is rocking and Bob Kraft is donning a cardigan and chugging wine like a Real Housewife of Orange County. All is well in the 617.

Q2,10:11, BOS – 38, WAS – 23: Kelly Olynyk called for charge. Kelly Oubre Jr. manages not to charge at him like Gronk making a Wrestlemania cameo while Draymond Green conferences in Adam Silver, pleading for a lifetime ban of the Canadian.

Q2, 6:33, BOS – 46, WAS – 28: Julian Edelman shown sitting courtside. *Matt Harvey finds nearest NYC pub and asks for everything on the top shelf to be poured into a Gatorade bucket. Hands bartender a stack of Ben Franklins and says, ‘I was never here.’

Q2, 3:55, BOS – 55, WAS – 33: Celtics have managed to build a lead large enough to withstand one Washington run

HALFTIME SCORE: BOS – 67, WAS – 51

Halftime observations: Avery Bradley – 25 points, 4 three pointers, two hip pointers. Take that Kirk Gibson. Elsewhere, it’s nice to see LeGarrette Blount sitting courtside. Glad to know Bill allowed him to leave Patriot purgatory for a few hours after locking him in the dungeons of Gillette today and throwing away the key.

Q3, 5:54, BOS – 81, WAS – 64: Welp…missed the first half of the third quarter watching the Sox. Shame, I’m sure I would’ve had so many clever things to say.

Q3, 4:41, BOS – 83, WAS – 69: Not one, not two, but three straight points from the Wiz-ARDS. (Shout-out to Sterling Pingree). Good effort Celtics, here comes the Washington third quarter run.  

End of Third, BOS – 93, WAS – 76: Life advice of the day – Forget the game and take a moment to let the golden voice of Ian Eagle tickle your eardrums.

Q4, 8:38, BOS – 107, WAS – 81: I don’t have the fancy stats in front of me. After all, I’m not Jeff Solari. But, me thinks the Celtics have led as long in this game-5 as they had the entire series combined entering tonight.

Q4, 7:23, BOS – 110, WAS – 87: To paraphrase from ‘It’s a Wonderful Life,’ “every time Terry Rozier smiles, an angel gets its wings.” Sorry if that took a weird turn. He’s simply adorable. And no, the fruity drinks aren’t taking hold.

Q4, 4:21, BOS – 114, WAS – 90: BENCHES CLEAR!! Oh, never mind, that’s just the subs coming in. Damn, I got all excited for some wrasslin’.

FINAL SCORE: BOS – 123, WAS – 101

Postgame reaction: Well, after game two I thought the series was over, then after game four I thought the series was over again. What the hell do I think now? If I had to bet, I’d say the Celtics take the series in seven and earn the right to get steamrolled by Cleveland. What I will say with certainty…one of these two teams will in fact win the series.

 

To hear more from the brilliant mind of Mark Paulette, please kindly continue to read The Drive Blog.

 

Mark Paulette is the senior producer of The Drive, weekdays 4pm to 6pm on 92.9fm The Ticket and streaming live at DriveShowMaine.com. Follow us on Twitter, @DriveShowMaine and “Like Us” on Facebook, Drive Show Maine.